My last girlfriend didn`t like me, thought she might be
Most likely a d**e, she just didn`t excite me
Lefty, yeah, but that was alright
She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn`t that bright
My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony
I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company
Ass like a donkey actin` funky gave her `L`, now she`s a flunky
So my love for her died quicker than a batch of sea monkeys

Early bird gets the worm, spread your legs or spread the word
So what if I`m not the smartest peanut in the turd
I`m white which goes with everything but I can come in any color
And I`m looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother
But it`s hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy
And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica
With their pussies like `em easy and hot and sweet
Like a Rice Krispie Treat gee, you know what I really want in a girl, me

I need to find a new vagina
Any kind of new vagina
It`s hard to rhyme a word like vagina
Calvin Klein kind of North Carolina

Women are like dog, do hear me through, don`t interrupt
It`s just the older that they are the easier they get to pick up
I`d fill the generation gap, clean the cobwebs from her rafters
Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture
No age just ain`t a gauge, I like my girls like my cheese
Preferably for me fat-free American singles only
I want my next chick anorexic, the winner is the thinner
Won`t have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner

Like Sizzler she got a beef, we`ll chew the fat
If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap
Let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed I don`t play rough
No, I can`t be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up
Just independent like NOFX, smart like Janeane Garafolo
She`d use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know
Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System gee
You know what I really want in a girl, me

I need to find a new vagina
Any kind of new vagina
It`s hard to rhyme a word like vagina
Kevin Kline kind of South Carolina

Vagina, vagina
Vagina, vagina
Vagina, vagina
Vagina, vagina